Being Filipinos, we are raised to have strong familial bonds. We grew up hearing that family comes first and that parents are to be respected no matter what. It is common to hear, "Tatay/Nanay mo pa din ‘yon! (No matter what happens, he/she is still your father/mother)".

As Bible-believing Christians, we also believe in God's design for the family—that children are to honor their parents (Ephesians 6:2), and that it is part of our submission to God's sovereignty to trust His choice of whoever He placed as our caretakers while we were growing up (Psalm 139:13-16).

But with that, what is often brushed off—but nevertheless true—is that familial pain and trauma exist, and such hurts affect a child just as much, if not more, than any other kind of pain they may experience in life. The level of proximity, frequency, and expectations makes the pain deeper. We all carry an intrinsic longing for our family—especially our parents—to be our safe space, our ground zero for love and affection. And when they become the source of deep hurt, no amount of "Tatay/Nanay mo pa din ‘yon! (he/she is still your father/mother)" can patch up or undo the pain.

Now, this is not to excuse hate or unforgiveness (Ephesians 4:31-32). This is not a license to cut off or dishonor. But it will do us well—especially as Filipino Christians and in our ministries—if we stop closing our eyes to this reality, face it for what it is, and apply God's Word and the Gospel right there—where it actually hurts.

I, too, was raised by imperfect parents in an imperfect, dysfunctional family. I grew up scarred—by others' sins against me, and my own sinfulness both towards myself and others. These scars affected me and still affect me to this day. And I say this not out of hate or disrespect, but with full honesty: there are still fresh hurts that pile up even now.

This is the reality—my reality. And I believe that in obeying the Lord's command to honor my parents and love my siblings, I am not glorifying Him by turning a blind eye to the hurt. I'm not called to minimize, pacify, or pretend that "all is well." God's healing and the gospel are far too powerful for such a simplistic approach.

He knows the struggle I face in obeying what seems like a simple command: "Honor your father and mother." And there is no shame in that struggle. The pain and trauma I (and even my siblings) carry are not outside His sovereignty. He will never allow anything He cannot heal and breathe life into (Romans 8:28). That is my assurance.

And so, I choose to love, honor, and forgive my parents—not because I expect better from them, but because I now know, believe, and trust that I have a Perfect Heavenly Father who is more than enough to lavish me with all the love and acceptance I need (Psalm 27:10; Ephesians 1:3-6). What I long for from my imperfect, failing parents, I have found in Him. And from that fullness, I can now pursue obedience to His command—to forgive, honor, and love my family—knowing that everything I will ever need is already mine in Him (2 Peter 1:3).

And when I minister to others who carry similar wounds—hurts and traumas from their own families—I can now offer a truth: that in Christ, there is a love that not only cares enough to meet us in our pain, but also enables us to obey (Hebrews 4:15-16; Philippians 2:13). I can empathize without disregarding His command. I can speak the truth without invalidating their hurt. I can understand the process, the struggle, and the complexity, because I too was there, and was met there by my Savior.

This in no way makes obedience easier, but it makes it possible. I know that, and I minister with that in mind. I might even go so far as to accept that sometimes, for some people, it feels impossible: just like how impossible it is for a dead man to rise up, take up his bed and walk again (John 5:8). But that exactly is made possible by Christ (Luke 18:27).

So believers, especially Filipinos, let us stop the toxic oversimplification of situations like these. We don't have to resort to shying away from the conversation, shutting down others by cultural expectations, and expecting others to accept the idealistic answer that they "just do it".

If you came from a family that makes it hard for you to imagine or understand that a child could ever look at his parents and struggle in loving and even forgiving them, then you are blessed. You, too, have imperfect parents but you could never hate them so much that it will even be an issue if you'll forgive them or not, then praise God for that. But that does not mean that other people's pain is unreasonable (Romans 12:15). And it's not even a matter of whether the faults or sins of their family are big enough for such a grudge. We will never see and experience anyone's point of view exactly the way they did. The first step is to humbly admit that, and seek a level of sympathy from the Holy Spirit that can make us minister to the hurting (Galatians 6:2). Let us remember that our High Priest Himself, although He was sinned against but never responded in sin, still chose to sympathize with our weakness (Hebrews 4:15). Pray for understanding. Again, this is not to cancel the call for obedience, but a Christian obedience is birthed from the Spirit's grace and enabling (Ezekiel 36:26-27), which is not needed if that person is able to forgive and forget naturally. They can't, and that's exactly where the gospel comes in.

Now, if this was or still is your story, I hope you see that Christ is enough. Not because His presence invalidates and eliminates what you've been through, but because He is able to heal and give life to every single pain you've been through (Isaiah 53:5), so much so that He who loved you and died for you when you were still His enemy (Romans 5:8), will be able to help you navigate through your familial wounds, and give you a new life that will then be a light to those who share the same hurts that you now have. For He is the God of comfort, "who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)